Stop Comparing And Start Creating The Life You Were DESIGNED To Live!
Comparison is SOOOO destructive - to you and others around you. It eats away at our ability to be content and confident. It is a poison that kills the love we have for ourselves and prohibits us from celebrating what makes us unique and valuable. Because you ARE unique. You ARE valuable. Now I want you to say that out loud!
I mean it, stop reading right now and SCREAM that out loud!! I AM UNIQUE! I AM VALUABLE!
Now scream it LOUDER! And even LOUDER!!
Now that people around you think you've lost your mind, let's get right to it! ;-)
Teddy Roosevelt has been credited with the quote “Comparison is the thief of joy”. THIS. IS. SO. TRUE!! Even worse, jealousy is often its partner in crime. Whether we’re comparing our bodies, abilities, or bank accounts to someone else’s, we do harm to ourselves if we allow that comparison to rob us of our joy! It’s a bad habit I’m still learning to break, but certain truths have helped me to compare and envy less — and to do a better job of loving myself.
TRUTH: Comparison fosters competition more than community.
Comparison often creates competition, and not the healthy or friendly kind. Instead of celebrating diversity, comparison often requires that someone be labeled the winner and someone the loser. We view others as competitors instead of companions. This leads to a “better than versus worse than” mentality and feelings of superiority or inadequacy — neither of which helps us to be content and contributing members of a healthy society. When we bite our tongues for fear of sounding stupid, we are withholding our unique perspectives. If we assume we have more discipline than someone who weighs more than we do, we are seeing a body instead of a human being. A UNIQUE and VALUABLE human being.
TRUTH: Comparison often is accompanied by jealousy.
One of the first things I discovered about jealousy is that much of its power is derived from a lack of information — or ignorance. Ignorance is NOT bliss. Ignorance of one’s ignorance, however, IS bliss! At its core, envy is either a lie or an illusion. Jealousy obscures our clarity. It causes us to not see the fullness of another person’s life — which includes joy and pain, successes and failures, peaks and valleys, flaws and beauty.
Jealousy has a way of focusing on ONE thing and ignoring the others. Jealousy gives us an incomplete and deceptive picture. For example, envy ignores the hours of work that generated the salary — the sacrifice of time that could have been spent with friends or family. It tends to overlook the years of practice, confusion, or failure that preceded the success. It discounts the cost of the benefit.
TRUTH: Jealousy imposes unrealistic expectations.
It is futile and irresponsible to look at one part of a person’s life and envy it. You have to look at the whole picture — the good, the bad, and the unfortunate. Life is not a pick-and-choose buffet where you can put just those things you like most on your plate. Life is more like a sealed container of strawberries. You have to take all of what you get — the sour and the sweet. Some pints of strawberries (like some lives) might look better than others (especially from the outside), but you’ll never find a perfect one. Everyone gets a few sour (or even rotten) pieces. No one’s life is completely free of loss, sadness, pain, shortcomings, disappointments, or insecurities.
It’s fairly easy to envy one aspect of another person’s life — his/her figure, talent, wealth, significant other, or intelligence. It’s much harder to examine and then envy a whole life — a complete overview of experiences. When you step back and see the big picture, you tend to be more satisfied and grateful for your own blessings. Because you truly want what someone else has (their education, self confidence, weight, etc.), you have to take everything else that comes with it — be it a beautiful home, an eating disorder, perfect teeth, or an abusive parent.
I’m not saying every life balances out. Some lives have more blessings and some have more suffering and loss. Some people are wealthy; others are not. Some are able to create more opportunities for success; others seem destined to flounder. But every life has its relative famines and bounties. Everyone gets some — some good and some bad. Granted, everyone’s “some” will be different.
TRUTH: Jealousy makes you feel powerless.
Even when we’re satisfied we are STILL sometimes affected by envy. Even when we’re happy with our lives and wouldn’t trade it for another’s, we can still really want something someone else has. When the jealousy simply won’t abate, you can refocus. Take back the power from that emotion - it’s yours to give or take after all! Seek a course of action. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do what it will take to have what the other person has. If the answer is no, then the jealousy begins to evaporate. If the answer is yes, then let that become the seed for a new dream and the motivation to nurture it. This will prevent you from wanting the reward separate from the prerequisite work. It’s foolish to covet the marathon winner’s medal if you’re not willing to run.
TRUTH: Jealousy undermines friendships.
Sometimes jealousy is a subtler infection. One of the sadder truths I’ve learned about myself is that I often confused envy with dislike. It’s something I’d done since childhood. There was a girl that I disliked for the longest time. But then I got a window into her suffering — I saw the imperfections in her life — and I found her much easier to relate to, and turns out she became one of my BEST friends! I realized that I had never really disliked her, I’d simply been jealous of the flawless life I’d imagined she was living. I’d allowed her apparent perfection to fuel my own insecurities.
TRUTH: Jealousy convinces you to give less — emotionally, financially, and relationally.
Envy makes us want, and wanting often leads to withholding. We don’t donate any time or money of our own to a worthy cause. We assume those with more will take it on. We’re unable to genuinely congratulate someone who accomplishes a dream or goal we have for ourselves. We withhold affirmations and good will (even our Facebook “likes”) when we’re jealous. Have you ever withheld a “like” because you thought the other person was bragging about his/her vacation, workout, wedding, or weight loss? I have — when I was jealous.
Envy often puts us in the mindset that another person’s good fortune leaves less in the world for us. And while some things in life are finite, most things are not. Love, joy, laughter, success, friendship, peace — these things can’t be used up. However, these are not things you either have or don't have, these are things you must generate and cultivate, every day!
So, how do you prevent comparison and jealousy from stealing your joy?
It’s simple, albeit not easy: It’s much harder for me to begrudge the blessings and beauty in another person’s life while also considering the losses and struggles that are weighing them down. So instead I dish out a compliment, which is both selfless and selfish. I am not only (hopefully) making someone else’s day a little brighter but I am also killing envy before envy kills my joy.
Gratitude also helps. It’s difficult to be jealous when we’re grateful. Envy focuses on deficits and disparities. Gratitude focuses on your blessings. Gratitude isn’t simple-minded, dishonest, or forgetful. Gratitude does not require the denial of loss, lack, or hardship. What it does do, at least for me, is prevent those things that are good from being obscured by those things I’m coveting.
Being grateful takes me a step further, because true gratitude engenders generosity. And when I’m giving, I’m not looking for what I lack. Instead, I’m trying to offer something to others out of what I already have — whether it’s my money, knowledge, time, love, abilities, or talents.
This process isn’t perfect, but it helps me to compare and covet less. It helps me to not reduce people to what they have, don’t have, or look like. And, perhaps more importantly, it helps me to not determine my own worth that way. It keeps me humbled and grateful. And it reminds me that no one (no matter how perfect his or her life appears) gets through this earthly existence in a bubble of perfection and uninterrupted bliss. Every life will be touched by suffering and hardship. Every life will taste loss. Everyone has danced with insecurity or played with discontent. Flaws and fears — no one is without those.
We might as well learn to love ourselves on our own terms — all that we are, have and are capable of - that’s YOUR potential! It’s a gift from God. What you do with that potential is your gift to the WORLD! You are UNIQUE, you are VALUABLE, and you’re the only you this world has got.
In Love, Health & Discipline,
Shannon
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